Tag: FAVORITE

twentyonelizards:

sixohsixoheightfourtwo:

weloveshortvideos:

british summer is here.

[rain pouring] [thunder rumbling] [car horn blaring]
“go on. wheyyyyyyy!! Oh no.”
[in distance: “YOU IDIOT”, uproarious laughter]
“why would you go through that. what are you doing. ahhh no, he’s actually floating!”
“well of course he is. what a fucking bellend!”
“what a knobhead!”
“fucking hell.”

this is the most accurate depiction of britain i have ever seen

rynnay:

unclewhiskysrevenge:

So, I MEANT to say “oh crap, I left my phone in my car,” but what I ALMOST said was “oh no, I left my cone in my phar,” and damn, wouldn’t that have been embarrassing, but I caught myself, and what I ACTUALLY said was

“Ah, my fart cone.”

So anyway

This was a thrill from start to finish

spudsexuall:

My boyfriend talks in his sleep and because he’s bilingual, he says some hilarious/weird/sometimes creepy shit. I ask him every morning if he remembers saying this stuff and he has no idea about any of it. 

Here are some of my favorites:

-”Babe, can you please turn down the brightness of your skin”
-After stealing all of the blankets: “This is my right as a human”
-After I take the blankets back: “I don’t want your freedom, America. Just blanket”
-Sometimes he just says “Hello?” as if he’s answering a phone call
-One night he just said “Cabbage” which is weird because he doesn’t know the english word for that when he’s awake. 
-After spooning me: “You have a nice butt”
-”Who is that in the corner?” (terrifying)
-”Watch out for the red lady” (even more terrifying)
-Sometimes he will say things in German and it sounds like he’s speaking Parseltongue
-One time I actually think he said something in Parseltongue
-One time he talked about buying a ticket to “everywhere” and then just said “hello?” after two minutes of silence
-And my all time favorite: ”This is MY yogurt, Satan”

star-eaters:

you wanna talk about stress? you wanna talk about stress? i’ve just stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, mac. how’s that for stress? this company is being bled like a stuck pig, mac, and i got a paper trail to prove it. check this out. take a look at this. that right there is the mail, now, let’s talk about the mail. can we talk about the mail? please, mac? i’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? pepe silvia. this name keeps coming up over and over again. every day, pepe’s mail is getting sent back to me. i look in the mail. this whole box is pepe silvia. so i say to myself, i gotta find this guy. i gotta go up to his office. i gotta put the guy’s mail in the guy’s god damn hands, otherwise he’s never gonna get it. it’s gonna keep coming back down here. so i go up to pepe’s office, and what. do. i. find. out? what do i find out? there is no pepe silvia. the man does not exist. so i decide, ohhh shit, buddy, i gotta dig a little deeper. there’s no pepe silvia? you gotta be kidding me? i got boxes full of pepe! all right, so i start marching my way down to carol in HR, and knock on her door and i say Caaaaaaaarol, Caaaaaaaarol, i gotta talk to you about pepe! and when i open the door, what do i find? there’s not a single goddamn desk in that office there is. no. carol. in. h. r. mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. this office is a goddamn ghost town.